Dear Loved One
This is weird. I realize this. But I wanted to write to you, dear loved one. Namely, because I’ve been dead for some time now. And the way I left this world happened so fast. So unexpected.
Americana
A Deathbed Conversion
The 18-year-old girl was in the hospital room. Her bed sat amidst a forest of hissing machines and blinking lights. The young preacher knew he’d found the right room. He straightened his tie. This was the hardest part of his job.
Young Jimmy
The 14-year-old boy cried as he knelt beside his bedside, clasping his hands together. He sobbed, imploring the heavens for a miracle.
It’s 2025 and We Still Have 1-7/8” and 2” Hitch Balls? Who Hurt Us?
America: land of freedom, innovation, and baffling trailer ball sizes. We split the atom, landed on the moon, and built an internet where people argue about pineapple on pizza—but somehow, we still can’t agree on a standard trailer hitch ball.
The Tomato Elegy
Tomatoes are my favorite “non-vegetable” vegetable. I was recently informed by a smart person that tomatoes are—technically—a “fruit” because they are the ripened “ovary” of a flowering plant. But that’s just weird.
Don’t Worry About DC’s Streets. They Will Be Just Fine
The party known for happily paying 40 percent more (of taxpayer funds) for roads than necessary is somehow very concerned that the tanks and other tracked vehicles in the parade, will tear up the streets.
The Night the Lights Went out in Alabama
The electricity went out. I don’t know why it happened. It wasn’t storming. The weather was nice. All I know is I was watching TV when the lamps suddenly flickered and died. And that was that.
The Argument I Had in the Supermarket
I got into an argument at the supermarket. This is how volatile our world is right now. It was in the checkout line. My opponent was not only clueless, but pigheaded, refusing all logic. The fact that my opponent is only 9 is no excuse.
A Few Observations on the Violent Protests in Los Angeles
Don’t let the legacy media scam you by calling the Los Angeles immigration riots “mostly peaceful.” They are not. They are mostly violent and exceedingly destructive.
Dear [Bad Word] Sean
Sean receives lots of reader commentary. Often he responds to them in his uniquely pithy, yet humorous way.
A Simple Exercise
Simply close your eyes and think of your favorite thing in the whole world besides queso dip. Okay. Got it? Now you’re going to have to open your eyes again because these paragraphs aren’t going to read themselves.
Dothan Opera House
The Dothan Opera House is an old building, constructed during World War I. Everyone has performed here. Willie Nelson, the Statler Brothers, Conway Twitty, Bob Dylan.
The Art of Porch Sitting
I come from a long line of porch sitters. This is why I am always on my porch. In my neighborhood, I am affectionately known as “that weirdo freak who’s always on his porch.” This is usually said in a positive way.
Hemingway Reviews: Two Hearted IPA
The fish on the label looked like one I once tried to catch on the Two-Hearted River. I never caught it. I wrote about not catching it. They gave me a Pulitzer for that. Now it’s on a can. Fitting.
Vacation Bible Kids
“Dear Sean,” the email began. “I teach vacation Bible school… Last year we had three Latino children whose parents are undocumented immigrants… “Church leadership felt it best not to allow these children to attend VBS this year. It broke my heart, the kids don’t understand, I’m really struggling with this decision. What should I do?” …
The Book on My Coffee Table
Whenever I am feeling sad and blue, I visit my living room coffee table. There, I consult a book that sits on my coffee table. I open this book and almost always feel better.
With Equity And Justice For All?
Without a motive to endeavor, be it profit, glory, or other recognition, society will stagnate. Then collapse.
The Art You Find in a Waffle House
Waffle House. My waitress has a bunch of tattoos. The women customers in the booth behind mine are talking about it in voices loud enough to alter the migratory patterns of waterfowl.
So You Want to Be a Writer?
Frankly I don’t know anything about the business of writing. And I’ll let you in on a secret, neither do the publishers, editors, marketing teams, or prof reeders. This is why the publishing industry has perhaps the highest turnover rate among employees except for, perhaps, the mafia.
Deep in the Heart of Texas
Everything really is bigger in Texas. The sky. The hamburgers. And of course, the oversized tourist cowboy hats found in gas stations.