Snark

Anus and Genital Rashes: Fox News, Big Pharma, and the Breakfast-Time

by

I turn on Fox News for the same reason a man checks the weather before he goes outside: I want to know what’s coming, and I’d prefer not to be blindsided by it. Is the world on fire? Are we at war? Did Congress accidentally pass something useful? Did somebody somewhere do something so insane it requires a full segment and a therapist?

JOIN DHS: ENFORCE THE LAW, GET HATED AND SPIT ON, STARTING AT $50,420

by

You want a career with adventure? DHS can send you to “beautiful locations.” And by “beautiful locations,” I mean the kind of places where people scream in your face while filming you vertically like they’re making an audition tape for America’s Next Professional Victim.

James Boasberg – Lord of the Flies

by

Have you ever had a cookout, where people spend so much time shooing flies away, it looks like a gathering of the hearing impaired? The pesky little critters don’t stop the picnic, but spend the day annoying the hell out of everyone – just like Lord of the Flies Jeb Boasberg and his merry swarm of judicial resistance pests.

The Unclassified Atomic City Under the Ice in Greenland – Why We Already Own It…

by

In the 1950’s, long before Arctic warfare became trendy again now in 2026 —before the think tanks rediscovered parkas and PowerPoint slides—the United States quietly built an entire nuclear city under the ice in Greenland. Not a base. Not a bunker. A city. With hallways, living quarters, electricity, plumbing, a chapel, and—because this is America—a big nuclear reactor.

Renaming Greenland – Trumpland: The Arctic Now Belongs to the Hegemon

by

Let’s stop pretending this is a seminar where everyone raises their hand and waits to be called on. The United States is the global hegemon. That’s not bravado; it’s the rebuilt operating system. When America “consults,” it’s being polite. When America decides, the rest of the world updates its talking points.

A Modest Climate Change Proposal: Melt Michigan

by

For decades, Democrats have run the greatest long con in meteorological history—keeping Michigan locked in a Siberian deep freeze under the guise of “saving the planet.” This is not environmentalism. This is a communist cold-storage program. A deliberate effort to stop the natural evolution of states—where Michigan obviously becomes Florida with better beer and fewer felonies.

The Most Dysfunctional Time of the Year (And Nowhere in the Bible Does It Say “Put a Tree in Your House”)

by

Let’s be honest: this season is a pressure cooker disguised with twinkly lights. Credit cards get maxed out, travel is miserable, food is overpriced, and somehow every family expects you to teleport between states so you can sit at a table with your cousin who still thinks you “changed after high school.”

Professor Timmy Demands West Point Cancel Boot Camp & Replace It With Sensitivity Training

by

Listen up, cadets — your dusty old institution is under siege… from me, the world’s most offended armchair critic. As someone who’s never fired a rifle, never been marched at 5 a.m., and whose greatest battle was choosing between oat milk or almond at Starbucks, I hereby launch my campaign to transform West Point into Soy Boy University — the safe space you never knew you wanted.