You’ll Never Leave the Airport Alive
It was the third time my flight had been delayed on the same day. I was alone. I had been trapped inside the Fayetteville airport since the dawn of the Industrial Revolution.
Humor
The Tyranny of Our Tech Shackles: A Satirical Take on NSA Tracking Devices
Ah, the good old days when privacy was a thing, and our phones were just for making calls and playing pranks on old people… “Hello Ma’am, is your refrigerator running?”
Stirring the Gravy
With apologies to Jeff Foxworthy, the celebrated comedian best known for his iconic: “You might be a Redneck if (and other topics) …” Here is my version that is devoted to those claiming Italian ancestry who participated in the annual San Marziale festivities at Holy Angels Church in Kulpmont, Pennsylvania last Sunday.
Tin Foil and Other Scarce Commodities
Alone, with a hot cup of nature’s stimulant, perusing the news releases of the day. Paper gold trading sideways (as always). Silver stuck in mid-twenties. Crypto trolls extolling the get-rich-quick virtues of their particular version of blockchain tokens. Joey Robinette mumbling something about vaccines and you know, the other latest thing he can’t remember…..
It’s 2025 and We Still Have 1-7/8” and 2” Hitch Balls? Who Hurt Us?
America: land of freedom, innovation, and baffling trailer ball sizes. We split the atom, landed on the moon, and built an internet where people argue about pineapple on pizza—but somehow, we still can’t agree on a standard trailer hitch ball.
The Argument I Had in the Supermarket
I got into an argument at the supermarket. This is how volatile our world is right now. It was in the checkout line. My opponent was not only clueless, but pigheaded, refusing all logic. The fact that my opponent is only 9 is no excuse.
Dear [Bad Word] Sean
Sean receives lots of reader commentary. Often he responds to them in his uniquely pithy, yet humorous way.
The Art of Porch Sitting
I come from a long line of porch sitters. This is why I am always on my porch. In my neighborhood, I am affectionately known as “that weirdo freak who’s always on his porch.” This is usually said in a positive way.
So You Want to Be a Writer?
Frankly I don’t know anything about the business of writing. And I’ll let you in on a secret, neither do the publishers, editors, marketing teams, or prof reeders. This is why the publishing industry has perhaps the highest turnover rate among employees except for, perhaps, the mafia.
Deep in the Heart of Texas
Everything really is bigger in Texas. The sky. The hamburgers. And of course, the oversized tourist cowboy hats found in gas stations.
Don Surber’s Weekly Highlights
Once again, the acerbic wit of Don Surber brings you the events of the past week, with a little bit of humor.
No More Old Songs
I am in the lobby of my hotel, waking up. The coffee is lukewarm. The breakfast is freezer burnt. And the overhead music playing is “Highway to Hell.” You can’t get away from canned music. It’s everywhere.
Oops, Your ‘Freedom’ Tattoo Has a History You Missed
In our postmodern culture, where individuality and self-expression reign supreme, history has become a neglected casualty. Take, for instance, the skyrocketing popularity of tattoos and piercings.
Bugpaste Rebellion: The Great Hot Sauce Uprising of 2050
In the year 2050, in the glorious gray sprawl of the United Socialist States of America, meat was illegal, cows were extinct (except for the one in the Smithsonian), and the only thing anyone had ever eaten was Bugpaste™
I Demand Glyphosate for Rocks: A Screed for the Ages
Rocks. In. My. Garden. Those demon-possessed geological freeloaders are multiplying faster than a college feminist studies major’s pronouns.
Who’s the Dumbest – Hunter, Kamala, … or Me?
News about Hunter Biden triggered a Saturday morning domestic debate in the Green household: Who was the most unfit person giving Gropey Joe policy advice – the First Stoner Son, or our first DEI VP?
Judge Boasberg, In Hot Pursuit of His White Whale
Now that he isn’t passing maximum sentences on January 6 selfie photographers any longer, Obama Judge Jeb Boasberg has some spare time on his hands. Rather than take his wife Elizabeth (who may actually be a woman) on an ocean cruise, he decided to dabble in Article II of the Constitution – the part where the President is charged with enforcing laws … such as those for immigration.
Lightsabers Are Here—Good Luck Regulating Them, Democrats!
Well, folks, it finally happened. Some mad scientist in his garage just cracked the code, and now lightsabers are real. You heard that right—Jedi-level plasma blades, humming and slicing through anything in their path, are now a reality.
Judge Xinis Seems Determined to Step on a Rake
Obama District Judge Paula Xinis is madder than Joe Biden after being asked an unscripted question. She directed the Trump administration to open a federal coyote ring, and get busy smuggling illegals into to the United States. The Donald has been less than enthusiastic with his compliance, and she is mightily offended by his lack of deference to her court.
A Few Questions and Answers
I receive a lot of remarks in the form of emails, private messages, obscene hand gestures, etc. There’s no way I could answer all comments individually. So occasionally, I compile commonly asked questions and answer them in this column.